Today we had Eli’s in-person assessment at the ABA therapy center. The space was small and intimate — nothing flashy, but warm enough. Each child gets their own RBT, and everyone I met seemed kind, patient, and gentle. Eli will be the youngest one there.
It wasn’t what I pictured. Then again, I’m not even sure what I pictured. In many ways it felt like just a smaller version of daycare. And that’s where my heart started to ache a little. Eli loves his daycare. He loves his teachers, and they love him. Pulling him out of the familiar feels like pulling him away from comfort. Maybe I’m just nervous about breaking his routine. Or maybe I’m still unsure if he really needs this therapy.
Earlier this week, I spoke with a coworker who had some hard things to say about ABA. Her child faced similar struggles, but wasn’t diagnosed until after school began. She’s the only person so far who’s spoken negatively about it, but her words stuck in my head. It’s hard not to second-guess every single choice. Why does every decision feel so heavy? Why does it feel like life has become nothing but impossible decisions stacked on top of one another? I just want to be able to breathe without the weight pressing down on me.
And yet, I know we are fortunate. More fortunate than many others. I remind myself of that often. If it were something worse — something terminal, like cancer — I don’t know if I would survive it. We have our moments of struggle, yes, but we also have a good life. Two beautiful boys. A roof over our heads. Opportunities for help. It’s easy to spiral into pity, but I don’t want to live there. I don’t have the time or space for it. My boys need me — to care for them, to love them, to fight for them.
Life is hard. But it could be so much harder. And for that, I am grateful.
Today’s Lesson
Every decision feels overwhelming, but uncertainty doesn’t mean failure. Love guides the way, even when the path isn’t clear.
What I’m Holding Onto
Gratitude — for the blessings we do have, even on the days when they’re harder to see.
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